On retreat we quiet the mind and warm the heart: reflections on 10 days silent retreat.
A psychaitrist participating in a Mindfulness-Based Cogntiive Therapy teacher development retreat in Adelaide once said, “it is such a relief and joy to be here just as a human being, in my full humanness, not just here in my professional role” and all 60 of us present nodded in agreement. It doesn’t matter if we are a president, a princess or a pauper, we all have our inner hopes and joys, and fears and demons. It is one of the things I love about mindfulness meditation, and being on retreat, we are not expected to pretend we are anything other than we are, with all our talents and passions, struggles and heartaches we are invited to be with ourselves, just as we are – it is such a relief, such a kindess to the soul.
I came to America on 2nd December 2009 to attend a 10 day silent Insight Meditation Retreat for MBSR & MBCT Professionals held at Spirit Rock Meditation Center, and taught by Jon Kabat Zinn, Christina Feldman, and John Teasdale. Jon Kabat Zinn is the founder of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program, Christina Feldman one of the world’s gifted Insight meditation teachers, and John Teasdeale is one of the 3 founders of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy.
Each day on retreat, while we are living in silence. We are invited, as a gift to ourselves – not as punsihment – to be with oursleves. In not seeking the attention or repsonse of others, we come more and more into awareness of our own experience of the world, more and more able to ask ourselves, “what is happening in this precious moment?” “what will I do with this precious moment?”, and more and more able to accept how things are, and then to choose to respond with kindess and wisdom.
We are invited to be present to the flow of our immediate experience, and not read or write, at least not too much, lest we wander off in fantasy, and each day I found myself penning words as they just poured out of me. By the end of 10 days, I decided that as i am writing a blog about my experience in America, and the people I meet, I will also share my reflections of my journey in the retreat.
And so I start this blog on Monday 28th December 2009 – the summary so far.
I am currently in Flagstaff Arizona in the US, staying with my former housemate Bonnie, having just returned from the Grand Canyon which was more spectacular than I had imagined it could be.
I was away from home at Christmas. I know that for most of us family and relationships really are where our hearts ache and long for what could be, and sometimes is and sometimes is not. My heart was breaking a little this year because of a momentary tension with my daughter. I think most parents want their children always to feel loved and adored, safe, supoorted and inspired, and when we ourselves are the ones that contribute to the absence of those things, well, for me, that is hard. Especially at Christmas. Fortunately I am reminded of the reality of impermance, the fact that the feelings of tensions between, and the feelings of sorrow within, will pass, at some time they will pass. It is calming. Fortunately too I am reminded of a Buddhist meditation practice called metta- which means loving kindess, and until the right time to talk with her comes, I occasionally repeat to myself,
may I be safe and protected,
may I be peaceful,
may I live with ease and kindess.
may she be safe and protected,
may she be peaceful,
may she live with ease and kindness.
and over time I am calmed, and over time I also remember the capacity of the human heart to endure, to love, to find its way, and I remember that she knows she is loved, that she will find her way, and that in time we will not even remember this passing tension. And over a little time, I regain some equilibrium, grateful for mindfulness meditation that supports me to feel the sadness of a tense moment, supports me to practice loving kindesss mediation, supports me to trust that kindess and wisdom will find their way in the end.
The retreat was priceless, such a gift, despite me having a rare migraine that surprisingly lasted about 7 days. I was inspired by people whose work I greatly respect, and enchanted by Jon Kabat Zinn, John Teasedale and Christina Feldman who did such a beautiful, humble, and laughing out loud job of teaching. I was transformed by the experience. I felt wrapped in a blanket of kindess. A significant aspect personally and professionally. – more dteail later.
After retreat I spent a week in San Francisco, which has to be one of the prettiest most cosmopolitan cities in the world, met up with several colleagues and researchers in my field, which was amazing, and then flew to Phoenix, then Flagstaff, then drove up to the Canyon. Over the last 10 days I have been in and out of home sickness, and even some mild depressive moods and thoughts, though I suspect that is partly just the non stop nature of the trip, with no down time. My hosts in San Francisco and Palo Alto were so generous and organising dinners and brunches for me. Except for sleeping and some longer walks, I have barely been alone since I left Adelaide 26th November.
Being here in the USA feels like being in a movie, so many familiar things. I went with Bonnie to see “Up in the Air” with George Cloony at the cinema, and I just started laughing because it seemed so unreal to be in America, in a cinema, watching an American movie.
Last year was more crazy than my usual crazy, and I have had some time here to reflect on how hard it was. Certainly not the level of personal health crisis as pelvic breaks or cancer, or deep depression, or heart aches of losing a loved one, or retirment, or separation that my closest friends were living with, but none the less, really more challenging than I would choose as I travelled across Australia teahcing MBCT, manageda severe flu, broke an ankle, had deep, painful, and as yet unresolved, upsets with a close friend who I have loved for years, and learned to work with my daughter in a way that nourishes and inspires rather than crushes her and me. Life, just life.
It was a year of trying to come home to more of a sense of myself, of what matters most, and over the year, the important things become obvious, the subtle things more clear, the old wounds created dramas, and unhelpful patterns of living played out spectacularly – as they do. But more than anything, my previously unheard heart’s longings were heard and I am responding with tenderness.
I had this idea that when I came to America I would see some things more clearly, and that I would feel next year to be a new start. I feel that quite strongly, well at least now I have stayed in one place for 5 whole days and had time to calm down, develop a sense of a daily rhythm, and settle myself a little.
It is glorious here, as I sit at the dining table, 7,000 ft above sea level. Outside there is over 2 feet deep of snow, and the temperature ranges from about 0 celcius down to minus 16 celsius, average of – 4 > – 6 at midday, so it is quite chilly here, but very very beautiful. Outside the window, about 3 blocks away is Arizona’s tallest mountain, over 13,000 feet, covered with snow with pine trees poking through.
So, as the days move on, I will share reflections of my current journey and reflections of the retreat, day by day, teaching by teaching. I hope you enjoy the reading.
Liana
